


Temporarily Lost

by rosesparks



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 16:31:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7515208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesparks/pseuds/rosesparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jensen gets a call stating that his husband is in the hospital, he starts to panic.  When Jensen finds out his husband has amnesia and doesn't remember that they are married, his entire world stops.  Now Jensen is doing what he can to make Jared happy, even if that means telling a few lies along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Temporarily Lost

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story back in November of 2015, but just got around to editing and posting. This was originally based off a prompt on tumblr, but I can't seem to find the original post or who posted it.

Jensen's phone rang just as he finished work. It was an unknown number and he wasn't going to answer it, but he had had a bad feeling in his gut all day. Something just wasn't right. He took a breath and answered it.

"Hello?"

"Is this Jensen Ackles?" a female voice asked.

"This is." The feeling of unease in his stomach became more and more noticeable.

"This is Sarah; I work over at St. Nicholas' Hospital. We have Jared Padalecki here and you're listed as his emergency contact."

Jensen’s heart dropped to his stomach. He couldn't see straight. There was a ringing in his ears. The entire world seemed to stop around him.

"Mr. Ackles?"

The voice brought him back to reality. "Yes. I'm here," Jensen said quickly. "What happened?"

"I'm afraid I can't give that information out over the phone."

"What?” he stuttered. “No, no, no. I have to know what happened."

"I already said that I can't give out that information," she said calmly.

Why wouldn’t they just tell him? Didn’t they understand that he had to know that Jared was going to be OK? “Is he OK? Can you at least tell me if he's OK?" Jensen was begging now, but he didn’t care. Jared’s wellbeing was worth more than his dignity.

"The doctor will talk to you when you get here."

"Fine," Jensen huffed. "I'll be there as soon as I can." He ended the call and tried to get his breathing under control. It wasn't an easy task. His mind was frantic and all he wanted to do was sink to the ground and cry. Nothing was right.

Jensen somehow managed to pull himself together and drove to the hospital. The only thing that mattered was finding out if Jared was OK, but with each passing moment, the fear that something was horribly and terribly wrong grew.

Jensen sprinted into the emergency room and right up to the receptionist's desk. "I'm looking for Jared Padalecki," Jensen said, slightly out of breath. "I got a call a little while ago. They said he was here."

"One moment, please," the receptionist said.

He didn't have a minute. Didn't she understand that? Didn't she understand that he didn't know what happened to his husband? Didn't she know that no one had told him a damn thing? There was no time to wait.

"I don't have a minute," Jensen said. "Please just tell me what happened to my husband. Please."

The receptionist looked up at him and sighed. "What is the name?"

"Jared Padalecki. P-A-D-A-L-E-C-K-I," Jensen said.

"He's still being examined. You can have a seat and a doctor will be out to talk to you shortly."

Jensen wanted to protest but bit his tongue. He walked over to the chairs but knew he couldn't sit. He wouldn't be able to sit still until he knew that Jared was all right.

He paced back and forth, trying to think straight. It wasn't easy. All Jensen could think about was what he would do if the worst happened. He didn't know if he would be able to live without Jared. Jared was his everything. They had been best friends since kindergarten, when Jared asked if he wanted to play with the cars with him. During their second year of college, they started dating, once Jared finally got his head out of his ass. Two years later, right after they graduated, they got married. Now, three years after saying 'I do', Jensen didn't know how he would survive without Jared. They had been through everything together and now it was possible that Jared wouldn't be there anymore.

Jensen finally sank down into one of the hard plastic chairs in the waiting room. He held his head in his hands, trying to keep his composure and not break down in front of everyone. There was still no news. Maybe that was a good sign. Surely they would have told him if Jared was in bad shape and might not make it. Jensen tried to keep that thought in his head. "Hope for the best," he told himself, although that didn't stop him from fearing the worst.

His phone beeped, reminding him that there was a world outside the hospital waiting room. He ignored the message, figuring that he would deal with it later. Whatever it was, it could wait.

A thought struck him. Jared's parents. They should know what's going on. They would want to know. His own parents would want to know since they cared for Jared as if he had been their own son.

Jensen hesitated, put the phone back in his pocket. Before he called anyone, he needed to know what was going on. That could save him from having to make an even worse phone call later. For now, he would wait and hopefully he would be able to call with a more positive outlook on this whole situation.

It felt like hours had passed when a doctor finally emerged through the doors and asked for the family of Jared Padalecki.

Jensen jumped up from his seat, nearly knocking his chair over, and went to meet the doctor.

"You're the family of Jared Padalecki?" he verified.

"I'm his husband," Jensen confirmed. "You have to tell me what happened. No one will tell me anything. Is he OK?"

"Let's go back to my office and we'll talk about it," the doctor said.

"No," Jensen said firmly. He was tired of waiting. All he wanted was to know what was going on with his husband. "Just tell me. I need to know."

The doctor took a look at him and must have understood his frustration. "Let's at least step out of the way. I'd rather not be standing in front of the door."

They took a few steps to the side. They ended up near a corner so, while it wasn't as private as the doctor's office, it was still away from other people. "I'm Dr. Clark," the doctor said. "I was the one who looked at Jared when he was brought in."

"What happened?" Jensen asked.

"From what I understand, there was a car accident," Dr. Clark explained.

Jensen felt his stomach drop, but he clung on to Dr. Clark's every word.

"Jared hit his head pretty severely. There will be some other bruising and cuts, but the head injury is what I'm most concerned about."

"Is he going to be OK?" Jensen asked.

"Right now it's just a matter of waiting. We won't know more until he wakes up."

"He's not awake?!" Jensen asked, his eyes wide. That couldn't be a good sign.

"Relax," Dr. Clark said, his voice strangely calm. "I know that it seems scary right now, but this is very common. We are monitoring his condition closely."

Jensen knew that Dr. Clark was trying to ease his concerns but it wasn't helping. If anything, Jensen was freaking out even more. Jared wasn't dead and that provided some comfort, but it wasn't enough. There was still too much uncertainty. He still didn't even know if Jared was going to be all right. There could be permanent damage or worse, he might never wake up. He knew that head injuries were serious and hated that he was experiencing the effects of one first hand.

Jensen closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying everything he could to calm himself. "Can I see him?" Jensen asked quietly. He didn't know what he was going to say if Dr. Clark said no. He had to see Jared. He knew that he wouldn't feel better until he saw Jared himself, and even then, it still might not be OK.

"Yes," Dr. Clark said and Jensen let out a breath of relief. Part of him knew that this didn't mean anything. All it meant was that Jared was still alive, but that had to count for something. "Please follow me."

Jensen followed Dr. Clark through the doors and down a long hallway. They came to a stop outside one room toward the end of the hall and Jensen peered inside.

He felt his heart stop. Jared was there, but it wasn't the same Jared that Jensen was so accustomed to seeing. It was as if this was just an imitation Jared, and Jensen hated it. He just wanted his Jared.

Jensen walked in, feeling like it was a dream and not real life. He wished more than anything that it was a dream and that he would wake up and find that Jared sound asleep next to him. Jensen didn't wake up. It wasn't a dream.

He walked toward Jared's bed. This couldn’t be real. Jensen didn’t want it to be real. He wanted to go back to yesterday, before all of this got so messed up.

He reached Jared’s bed and was afraid to touch him. The doctors didn’t know what was wrong and he didn’t want to screw anything up. He just wanted Jared to get better as fast as he could. “Please, Jay,” Jensen whispered as he took Jared’s hand in his own. “I need you. You have to wake up. Please. For me.” He didn’t care if he was begging. He would do anything to have Jared back with him.

* * *

Jensen would never know how long he sat by Jared's bedside. Time didn’t seem to matter right now, not when half of him was lying unconscious in a hospital bed. It just wasn’t right. Dr. Clark had left him alone, giving him time to take it all in. However, no amount of sitting here was going to allow Jensen to absorb it. It was just too much and it still didn't feel real.

Dr. Clark had stopped by some time later (although Jensen didn’t know how much later). He told Jensen that he wanted to check some of Jared’s vitals.

“I’m being cautiously optimistic,” Dr. Clark said. “Like I said, we won’t know anything for sure until he wakes up.”  
Jensen just nodded. He didn’t trust himself to speak. He was still at a complete loss for words.

“There will be nurses stopping by periodically,” Dr. Clark continued. “But if anything changes, you can press this button.” He indicated a button on the wall.

“I’m assuming that you will be staying here.”

Again, Jensen nodded. There was no way that he was leaving. Not without Jared. He needed Jared almost as much as he needed air.

Dr. Clark left the room and Jensen felt some of the awkwardness and tension lift, but it wasn’t enough. Nothing would be enough until Jensen could say for certain that Jared was OK.

Jensen couldn’t stop his thoughts from drifting. What would he do if Jared wasn’t OK? He had no idea. He would probably end up back with his parents.

Oh crap. His parents. He needed to call his parents and, more importantly, he needed to call Jared’s parents. He knew that it would be difficult, which was why he had put it off.

He was torn. Jensen knew that he needed to make some phone calls and let people know what’s going on, but he couldn’t leave Jared. At least not right now.

Not when there was so much uncertainty. Still, their parents deserved, and needed, to know.

Jensen took a deep breath and pulled out his phone. He could make the phone calls from right here. He just had to muster up the courage to actually tap the buttons on the screen.

He called Jared’s parents first.

They were frantic and promised that they would be there as soon as possible. It look a lot of arguing, but Jensen was finally able to convince them that they didn’t need to come. He was going to handle everything and keep them posted. If Jared’s condition changed at all, they would be the first ones to know.

Jensen’s parents didn’t react much better. They were worried and offered to catch the next flight out. Jensen assured them that he would be fine and would let them know when things changed.

With the phone calls done, Jensen felt completely drained. It took much more effort than he had thought and he almost felt worse. He had managed to convince both sets of parents that it wasn't necessary to come. However, Jared was still unconscious and that was, without a doubt, the most pressing issue at the moment.

Jensen's mind started to wander again. What was going to happen when Jared woke up? He tried to keep all the thoughts of “if he woke up” completely out of his brain. Jared would wake up.

A nurse came in to check on Jared. She took some readings and marked them down on a chart.

“How is he?” Jensen asked, his voice shaking slightly. “Is he going to wake up soon? Is he going to be OK?”

The nurse stopped what she was writing and looked up at Jensen, her expression kind. “I don’t know. Head injuries are very serious and everyone heals in different ways. He’ll wake up when he’s ready," she explained. "All we can do is wait.”

Waiting was the last thing that Jensen wanted to do. He wanted Jared awake and he wanted it now. He realized that he sounded like a toddler, even if he was only saying these things in his mind, but that didn’t change anything. He wanted his husband back.

It was at that moment that Jensen got a good look at Jared. His wedding ring was missing. Jared never went anywhere without it.

“Where’s his ring?” Jensen asked.

“We’ve taken all his personal effects ,” the nurse explained. “When he’s released, we’ll give them back.”

“Can I... Can I at least have his ring?” Jensen asked.

The nurse stared at him for a moment, but then said, “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you,” Jensen said.

The nurse finished up transferring data to Jared’s chart and disappeared out of the room. She reappeared nearly ten minutes later with Jared’s wedding ring. Jensen told her thank you many times, but it didn’t come close to actually expressing how grateful he really was.

Jensen held Jared’s wedding ring in one hand and Jared’s hand with the other, mumbling short, quiet prayers. He wasn’t religious, but at this point, he was willing to try anything. Anything to get Jared to wake up and come back to him.

* * *

 It was the middle of the night when Jared finally stirred. Jensen had been fighting sleep for hours, as the emotional day finally caught up with him. As soon as he sensed movement from Jared, though, Jensen was wide awake.

“Jared?” Jensen whispered, his eyes scanning his husband for any sign that he was finally waking up. “Jay, are you awake? Can you open your eyes? Please, Jay. For me?”

Jared’s eyes fluttered open and Jensen felt himself let out a huge breath of relief. Jared was awake! He had actually woken up.

“Jay?” Jensen asked, leaning closer to Jared.

Jared glanced around the room, taking in everything. His eyes came to a stop on Jensen. “Jen?” Jared asked.

“Yeah, Jay. It’s me,” Jensen said as he let out a huge sigh of relief. Jared recognized him! Everything just kept getting better and Jensen couldn’t be happier.

“Let me get the doctor.” Jensen hit the button that Dr. Clark had shown him earlier. “Just relax. It’s going to be OK.”

Not even two minutes later, Dr. Clark entered the room. “Jared, you’re awake,” he said. “That’s wonderful.”

Jared just stared at the doctor. “Who are you?”

“I apologize,” Dr. Clark said. “I should have introduced myself first. I’m Dr. Clark. Do you remember what happened?”

Jared seemed to think about this for a long while, his face screwed up in concentration. Meanwhile, Jensen tried to keep himself calm. “I… I don’t really remember,” Jared admitted, staring down at the sheets on his bed, unwilling to meet Dr. Clark’s or Jensen’s eyes.

“That's OK. What is the last thing that you remember?” Dr. Clark prompted.

Jensen waited with baited breath. He had been terrified when Jared had said that he didn’t remember the accident. What if he didn’t remember anything? What if all his memories were gone?

“I, um,” Jared said. “I’m not sure. I know that that’s Jensen, but I don’t really know.”

Not for the first time since Jared woke up, Jensen let out a huge breath of relief. Jared remembered him and that had to count for something. At least that was something they could work with.

“And how do you know Jensen?” Dr. Clark asked.

“He’s my best friend,” Jared said simply and Jensen’s brows knitted together in confusion. Jared’s statement was true, but Jensen couldn’t help but wonder why Jared was referring to him as his best friend and not his husband. Jared always introduced Jensen as his husband whenever they met new people. Jared

hadn’t referred to him as his best friend since high school, before they were dating.  
Dr. Clark just nodded. “Do you remember anything else?”

“Sandy,” Jared said. “Where is she?”

Sandy? Jensen froze. Why was Jared bringing up Sandy? Sure, Jared and Sandy had dated for almost three years, but she hadn’t talked to Jared since their break up. It was probably because Jared had dumped Sandy for Jensen and Sandy was understandably bitter. But why was Jared asking for her? “Why do you want Sandy here?” Jensen asked.

“She’s my girlfriend. She should be here,” Jared said.

Jensen felt like a carpet was pulled out from underneath him. It was like a giant slap in the face. There was something terribly, horribly wrong with Jared. He didn’t remember his own marriage and Jensen felt like he was going to be sick. He wanted to sink down further into this chair and disappear. Nothing felt right anymore.

Dr. Clark looked at Jensen, but didn’t say anything. “OK. We’re going to run a few more tests and then we’ll go from there,” Dr. Clark explained. “Does that sound OK with you?”

“I guess,” Jared said, “although I still don’t know why I’m here.”

“Dr. Clark, could I have a word with you?” Jensen asked, his voice shaking slightly. He was trying so hard not to completely lose it, but he felt like was going to lose control any second.

“Of course,” he said. “Jared, I’ll be back in a moment and then we’ll get started.”

Dr. Clark led Jensen out of the room and around the corner. There was no one else in sight, probably because it was the middle of the night.

“What was that?” Jensen asked, pointing back at Jared’s hospital room. “What’s wrong with him?”

Dr. Clark took a deep breath. “It looks like a case of amnesia.”

“Amnesia? No, no, no, no, no,” Jensen said, shaking his head and closing his eyes. This couldn’t be happening. “You said that everything was going to be OK.  He’s not OK. He doesn’t even remember that we’re married. How is that OK?”

“I told you I was being cautiously optimistic and that we would have to wait until he woke up to know anything for certain,” Dr. Clark explained calmly. “Just the fact that he woke up is a good sign, and that he did so quickly.”

“But he still doesn’t remember me,” Jensen said. It was killing him, knowing that his husband didn’t remember him.

“I know that this must be hard for you—“ Dr. Clark started to say, but Jensen interrupted.

“‘Must be hard for you’?!” Jensen exclaimed. “Your spouse isn’t sitting in a hospital room right now. Your spouse hasn’t forgotten your entire marriage! You have no idea what I'm going through.” Jensen could feel the tears starting to form in his eyes. He didn’t want to give in and let them fall, but it was becoming too difficult to hold them back.

“Jensen, I need you to calm down.”

“I can’t,” Jensen said, the first tears starting to fall. “Don’t you understand? I can’t. I can’t be calm when my husband is in there like… like this.”

Dr. Clark was silent for a moment, but then said, “Here’s what we’re going to do, OK? I’m going to go run my tests and that will give us a better understanding of what exactly we’re dealing with. You’re going to stay out here and calm down. Once, I’m done, we’ll talk some more, with Jared.”

Jensen could only nod as he wiped away the few tears that leaked out. He wanted to be with his husband, but that wasn't possible right now. His husband didn't remember him and there was no way of knowing if that would ever change. So for now, he would stay out here and try and calm down.

Dr. Clark walked away, presumably to Jared’s room to start whatever tests he was going to run. Jensen, sank to the floor and pulled his knees up to his chest. He rested his arms on his knees and let his head drop. He finally let it out, crying right there on the floor of the hospital because it was all becoming too much. He just couldn’t handle it anymore.

* * *

 Jensen didn’t know if he should go back in. Dr. Clark looked busy with Jared, so Jensen waited outside the room, trying to remain calm. It wasn’t easy. All he could think about was what would happen if Jared never got his memory back. Would Jared leave him and go back to Sandy? Jensen hoped that that wouldn’t be the case, but he couldn’t know for sure. He would have never thought that Jared would have been able to forget him, and yet, here they were. It had happened.

Part of Jensen was tempted to call someone. He needed someone to lean on and someone to help him. Normally he wanted to be independent and do things himself, but now he was ready to admit that even he needed help. There were two problems. One, it was the middle of the night so he would no doubt be disturbing whoever he called. The second, and arguably more important problem, was that he didn’t know who to call.

His parents already knew that Jared was in the hospital, but he knew if he called them now, they would just insist on coming and he didn’t think that he could handle having them here. Jared’s parents would react the same way and insist on coming, which might just make things worse. There were a few friends that had potential, but then he was brought right back to problem number one. For now, it looked like he was just going to have to wait it out. He didn’t want to wait it out. He wanted Jared to be OK. He just wanted this to have never happened in the first place.

“Jensen?” a voice asked.

Jensen looked up and came face to face with Dr. Clark. “How is he?” Jensen asked. “Is he going to remember me?”

“Right now, we’re going to take him upstairs for a few scans. We’ll know more then,” Dr. Clark explained.

“But he still doesn’t…” Jensen couldn’t even bring himself to finish the sentence. But he still doesn’t remember that we’re married?

“At the moment, no,” Dr. Clark said, “but we’re going to do everything we can.”

Jensen just closed his eyes and nodded and hoped that Dr. Clark’s best would be enough. He just wanted his husband back. Was that too much to ask for? Apparently the universe thought so. Apparently the universe didn’t want him to be happy.

Jensen waited for the tests to finish. It wasn’t easy being patient. He wanted to talk to Jared, to ask him more of what he remembered. He needed to know if there was some inkling that he remembered anything. He needed to know if it was possible for them to be a married couple again.

When Jared was finally wheeled back into the room, he looked very drowsy. Immediately Jensen knew that any questions would have to wait until later. Jared needed to sleep first. Jensen refused to get his hopes up, just in the off chance that something went even more wrong than the last time, but maybe, just maybe, Jared would be back to normal.

“Well?” Jensen asked.

“Everything looks fine on the scans,” Dr. Clark said. “Well, at least as fine as everything can be, all things considered.”

“So what? Does that mean that he’s not going to get better?” Jensen asked. “That this is his, is our new normal?”

“I don’t know,” Dr. Clark said honestly. Jensen felt his heart sink. Why couldn’t things just work the way he wanted for once? “With head injuries, it’s very difficult to tell since every injury is different. There are some techniques and methods that we can discuss, but we can’t know anything for certain.”

Jensen took a deep breath. “I have to know,” he said, “so can you please be honest with me, no matter how brutal that’s going to be? Is there even a chance that Jared’s going to be back to normal?”

“There’s always a chance,” Dr. Clark said. “Like I keep saying, we’re going to have to wait and monitor some things before we know more. Over the next few days, we should get a better idea.”

“What does that mean?”

“Obviously he’s very tired right now,” Dr. Clark said, indicating a sleeping Jared. He looked so peaceful like that, as if there was absolutely nothing wrong.

“When he wakes up again, we will talk to him, we’re going to see if any memories come back. If there is more that he’s remembering, that’s a good sign.”

“And if he doesn’t remember anything more?” Jensen asked. He had to be prepared. He just needed to know what could possibly happen.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but like I have said, each head injury case is different. Jared’s is unlike any other case that has been recorded,” Dr. Clark said. “I can promise you that we are going to do everything we can to help Jared recover.”

Jensen nodded. It wasn’t the answer he was looking for, but he realized that that was the best answer that he was going to get. He would just have to accept it for right now. Dr. Clark was right. They would have to cross that bridge when they came to it. Jensen might not have liked that solution, but it was what was going to be done. It was as simple as that.

“Do you have any other questions for me?”

“Not right now,” Jensen said, shaking his head. Right now, he wanted to go to sleep and hope that all of this was just a horrible dream.

“OK,” Dr. Clark. “You know what to do if he wakes up or if there are any problems. I’m sure that I’ll speak to you soon.”

“OK,” Jensen said. Dr. Clark left the room and Jensen pulled his chair right up to Jared’s bed. Jared might have forgotten him, but that didn’t mean that Jensen had forgotten anything. Right then, he made a decision that he was going to do everything he could to help Jared. That was the most important thing.

* * *

 Jared woke up a few hours later. Jensen was still running on practically no sleep. He had tried while Jared slept soundly and peacefully, but even though he was exhausted he just couldn’t relax. His brain was in overdrive and refused to quit. He kept going over all of the possible scenarios in his head. What would happen if Jared didn’t remember him as his husband? What would happen if Jared got worse? What would happen if this nightmare finally ended? There was just too much up in the air at this point and Jensen didn’t know what to do.

But Jared finally started to stir and once again, Jensen found himself wide awake. He hoped with everything in him that this time would be different and Jared would remember him. He tried to push all other thoughts from his mind as he hit the button to call the nurse.

“Jared?” Jensen asked. “Jay, can you open your eyes?”

Jared blinked a few times, probably trying to get the room to come into focus. “Jen?” Jared asked.

It was a start. At least Jared still recognized him. That was one small victory that Jensen allowed himself to celebrate. “Yeah, Jay. It’s me. Do you remember anything?” Jensen prompted. Part of him thought that he should wait for the doctor, but the other part, the part that won the internal debate, couldn’t wait. It had to know.

“Um,” Jared said, squeezing his eyes shut in concentration. “I remember that I’m in the hospital.”

“That’s good,” Jensen said. “What else?”

“I, uh,” Jared said, but before he could say anything, a petite, blonde nurse entered the room.

“Hi, Jared,” the nurse said, “it’s good to see you awake.”

“Uh, yeah,” Jared agreed, looking uncertainly at the nurse.

“You seem a little confused,” she said, “but I guess that it’s at least partially my fault. I should have introduced myself. My name is Meg and I’m just going to give you a quick look over before we get a doctor in here to check you out.”

“OK,” Jared agreed.

Jensen watched as the nurse took several readings while keeping an easy conversation with Jared. He wished it was as easy for him to hold a conversation with his husband as it was for the nurse. All he could do was watched as Meg asked questions while making jokes.

“Well, I can only do so much, you’re looking a lot better than before,” Meg explained. “I’m going to call your doctor and he’ll be by soon to talk with you.”

“Great,” Jared said. “Thanks.” He had a smile plastered on his face. Jensen had missed that smile, but it would be so much nicer if Jensen would have been the reason for the smile.

A few minutes later, someone, presumably the doctor, entered the room. It wasn’t Dr. Clark, in fact this doctor was probably twenty or thirty years older than Dr. Clark.

“Hi, Jared,” he said, picking up Jared’s chart. “How are you feeling?”

“Exhausted, sore,” Jared said. “I’m really tired.”

“That’s expected. I’m not the doctor you saw earlier. Dr. Clark’s shift ended, but he made sure to fill be in on everything. I’m Dr. Weston.”

“Hi,” Jared said.

“And you must be Jensen,” Dr. Weston said.

Jensen just nodded. He understood that Dr. Weston had to introduce himself, but Jensen just wished that he would get on with his tests already. He was dying for information.

“OK,” Dr. Weston said. “Let’s see, Jared. What can you tell me about why you’re here?”

“Um, I think there was a car accident,” Jared said.

“Do you remember the accident?”

“Not really,” Jared said. Jensen felt his heart start to sink. He tried to hold out hope, but it wasn’t easy.

“OK, and do you know who this is?” Dr. Weston said, indicating Jensen.

“Yeah. That’s Jensen,” Jared said. “He’s my best friend.”

Jensen’s heart dropped completely. Jared hadn’t gotten any better. He still didn’t remember that Jensen wasn’t just his best friend, but also his husband, and it stung. “Jay…” Jensen started to say, but then thought better of it. He should probably talk to the doctor about what he should be doing before he went and made anything worse, although Jensen didn’t know how it would be possible for it to get worse from this point. “Nothing. Never mind,” he said, shaking his head.

Jared turned and gave him a confused look, but then focused back on Dr. Weston. “So, how long am I going to be here?” Jared asked.

“Well, physically there seems to be no reason to keep you much longer,” Dr. Weston explained.

“I feel like there is a but coming,” Jared said.

“The head injury is what we’re most concerned about,” Dr. Weston continued. “It looks like you have a mild case of amnesia.”

Mild case of amnesia? That was putting it lightly, at least in Jensen’s opinion, but he bit his tongue and kept his mouth shut. He needed to let Dr. Weston continue.

“We’ll probably run some more tests later today and continue to monitor everything, but I would imagine that you’ll be out of here within the week. With the severity of your head injury, we don’t want to take any chances.”

“Great,” Jared grumbled. He shifted his eyes down toward the sheets on his bed, refusing to make eye contact with anyone.

“Dr. Weston, could I speak to you for a moment?” Jensen asked. “Privately.”  
Jared looked up and gave Jensen a confused look, but he didn’t say anything.

“Of course, follow me,” Dr. Weston said. “Jared, please let us know if there’s anything you need.” He led Jensen out of the room and to the same area he had met with Dr. Clark the previous night.

“What am I supposed to do?” Jensen asked. “He’s not remembering anything.”

“It can take time for memories to come back, but according to his charts and what Dr. Clark told me, it seems that he is doing better than last night.”

“Just because he can remember that he’s in the hospital?!” Jensen exclaimed. “That’s nothing. He still can’t even remember that we are married.”

“I know that this must seem very difficult for you to understand, but Jared’s brain is going to heal in its own way,” Dr. Weston explained. “But just the fact that he remembers where he is and at least has some idea of what happened to him is very encouraging.”

“So what do I do? He has to remember,” Jensen said. He didn’t know what he would do if Jared didn’t remember.

“You can talk to him, try and see more of what he does remember,” Dr. Weston said. “Talk to him and make him feel comfortable.”

“That’s it?” There had to be something more that he could do besides just talking to him.

“These things take time.”

“Fine,” Jensen said. He wasn’t happy about it, but he would do what he could. Anything to get his Jared back.

Jensen walked back into Jared’s hospital room without Dr. Weston. “Hey, Jared.” At least Jared was still awake. Then they could at least talk for a while. That was a start. A small start, but a start nonetheless.

“Jen?” Jared asked. The confused look still hadn’t left his face.

“Yeah,” Jensen responded. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“Yeah, but what I don’t understand is why you’re here,” Jared said. It was at that moment that Jensen realized that this was going to be so much harder than he initially thought.

“What do you mean?”

“Were you in the accident with me?” Jared asked.

“No,” Jensen said. “They called me when you were brought in.”

“Hmm.” Jared seemed to ponder that answer for a few moments. That was something new. He never used to have to sit and think about answers. He always had them ready to go, as if he could predict exactly what someone was going to ask.

“What are you thinking about?”

“It’s just… It’s just… shouldn’t Sandy be here?” Jared asked. Again, Jensen felt his heart break. He didn’t know if it would ever be completely right after this.

“I…” Jensen started to say, but he didn’t know what to say. He realized that he couldn’t just drop a bombshell like that on Jared. Who knows what that could do to him?

“It’s just she’s my girlfriend and she should be here. I mean it’s great that you’re here, Jensen. That’s great,” Jared said. “But it’s just that she should be here too.”

Jensen pursed his lips and nodded. It was pretty simple. This version of Jared, the one that emerged as a result of this car accident, wanted Sandy, not Jensen.

Jensen reached over and patted his pocket, making sure that Jared’s wedding ring was still there. He let the weight of the ring provide him the comfort he needed.

“It’s just, I thought that she should be here, I mean, she’s so great,” Jared continued, oblivious to all of the feelings and thoughts flowing through Jensen. “I mean, she’s beautiful and smart and funny and this relationship with her? It’s probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. Wait! Was Sandy in the car with me? Is that why she’s not here?”

Jensen, who was currently trying to keep himself from bursting into tears, took a deep breath and smiled sadly. “No, Jared. She wasn’t in the car with you,” Jensen explained, trying to keep his voice even. “It was just you. Another car slammed into you.”

“OK,” Jared said. “Good. That’s good. But where is she?”

It was in that moment that Jensen realized that Jared was happy. He obviously still wanted Sandy to be here because he was in love with her and not with his own husband. It hurt. It hurt so much, but Jensen realized that Jared was happy and that was what was important. Even though it hurt him, as long as Jared was happy, that was what mattered. He could suffer through this, although he knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. But if he could make sure that Jared was still happy, maybe something good could come out of all of this.

“I don’t know, Jared.”

“No, no. It’s fine,” Jared said, shaking his head. “I’m sure that she’s coming. She’s probably on her way or stuck in traffic or something. She wouldn’t just leave me here. She’s better than that.”

Jensen had to take several deep breaths to try and calm himself, but it wasn’t working. He certainly wasn’t feeling any better. If anything he was feeling worse. “I’ll be back,” he said quickly as he stood up from his chair. “I’ll be back.” He hurried out of the room, down the hallway, and around the corner and finally let himself cry.

* * *

 Jensen left Jared’s room. He ran down the hallway, through the emergency room, and out the door. He took a deep breath of fresh air and was disappointed when it did little to help. He sank down to the ground and held his head in his hands.

He couldn’t do this anymore. He wanted his Jared back, but his Jared seemed to be long gone. Instead it was replaced by someone who wanted Sandy and not him. But Jared was happy and Jensen was hesitant to mess with it. Maybe he could suck it up and let Jared be happy.

There was a vibration in his pocket. Jensen reached into his pants pocket and pulled out his phone. The caller ID read Chris. Jensen sighed, but answered the phone anyway.

“Hey, Chris,” Jensen said. After he said it, he realized how pathetic he sounded.

“Jensen? You OK?”

“No,” Jensen admitted. He wasn’t OK and he didn’t know if he was going to be OK.

“Jensen?” Chris asked, his voice filled with concern.

“There was a car accident,” Jensen said. He swallowed hard before continuing. “Jared was in a car accident.”

“Is he OK?”

“He’s alive and there’s nothing physically wrong with him, well apart from the head injury. I mean, there’s no broken bones or anything,” Jensen said. Explaining this was becoming more difficult than he initially thought. It just reminded him of just how wrong everything was.

“Jensen, I’m having a hard time following you, man,” Chris said.

Jensen sucked in a breath. “He has amnesia. That’s what the doctor says.”

“Amnesia? Like he doesn’t—“

“He doesn’t remember that we’re fucking married. He thinks that I’m just his best friend and that Sandy is his girlfriend!” Jensen snapped. “I just don’t know what to do.”

“Jesus,” Chris mumbled. “OK, I don’t know what to tell you, Jensen, but it’s going to all work itself out.”

“No it’s not!” Jensen yelled as he jumped to his feet and starting to pace. “That’s the problem. It’s not going to fucking work out. When he woke up last night, he barely remembered anything, but he still asked where Sandy was. This morning, he could remember the accident, but he’s still asking for Sandy. Fuck.”

This was just so much harder than he would have ever imagined. He just wanted his Jared back.

“Hey, calm down,” Chris said.

“I can’t calm down! Don’t you understand?” Jensen asked. “I was talking to him earlier and… Fuck, Chris. You should have heard him. He was asking where Sandy was and talking about how amazing she is and how beautiful she is and how in love with her she is. It’s like we’re back in high school again. He doesn’t even know that we’re married.”

“You haven’t told him?!”

Jensen sighed and reached into his other pocket and pulled out Jared’s ring, turning it over and over in his fingers.

“Come on, Jensen, answer me. You haven’t told him?” Chris asked again.

“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted. “I want to. I want to tell him so bad because it might make his memories come back, but he’s so happy. He just wants Sandy and that’s it and I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t want to screw up that happiness.”

“But he doesn’t even remember that he’s married to you.”

“That’s not the point,” Jensen said. “He’s happy and I don’t want to screw that up.”

“But you shouldn’t have to be miserable.”

“It’s just not that easy, Chris,” Jensen sighed. He continued to twirl the ring in his fingers, wishing that he could just give it back to Jared so they could go back to how things were. “I mean, what if his memories don’t come back or something? What if this is just how it’s going to be? I can’t mess with that. He deserves to be happy.”

“And so do you,” Chris insisted. “I know you want to think that putting Jared ahead of you is what you’re supposed to be doing, but you gotta also think about yourself here. You can’t just think only about Jared.”

This conversation wasn’t going the way Jensen wanted. Chris just didn’t understand. He wasn’t married. Hell, he hadn’t even been in a relationship, at least a serious one. He didn’t know the first thing about what Jensen was going through. Maybe one day Chris would understand, but not right now. Right now, Jensen knew that he had to do what he thought was right, even if that might kill him inside. He would have to continue to smile through everything and make sure that Jared was still happy. That was what he promised when they got married and he wasn’t about to go back on that promise.

“Chris, look,” Jensen said. “I just… I don’t think I can talk about this anymore.”

“It’s fine, but just know that you can always call me,” Chris said. “And that thinking about yourself in this kind of situation isn’t selfish. In the end, you’re going to be doing what’s best for both of you.”

“OK,” Jensen said, even though he really didn’t agree with Chris’s statement. “And why were you calling?”

“It’s not really that important,” Chris said. “You just worry about getting Jared better and we’ll talk later.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, as long as you take my advice,” Chris insisted.

“Fine,” Jensen said. “I’ll call you later.” He hung up the phone and sat on the cement sidewalk for a few more minutes. His entire conversation with Chris played over and over again in his mind, particularly Chris’s advice. Part of him knew that Chris had a point, however, the other part of him didn’t want to listen. It just wanted to make sure that Jared was happy and that Jared stayed happy. Jensen could worry about himself later.

Jensen took a deep breath, stood up, and made his way back into the hospital.

* * *

 “Hey,” Jared said. He hadn’t moved in the whole time that Jensen was outside. Jensen had expected to come back and find Jared asleep, but that didn’t seem to be the case. “I wanted to talk to you.”

Jensen was taken aback for a moment, but quickly recovered. “Sure, Jay. What’s up?”

“I don’t know how to make this sound right, but why are you here? I mean, why you instead of anyone else? Why not Sandy or my parents?” Jared asked  
How was he supposed to answer that without explaining everything? Jared, at least as far as Jensen knew, was still in love with Sandy. He didn’t want to jeopardize that. “I guess I was one of the first people they found in your phone,” Jensen lied. “I guess they chose to call me.”

“And you’ve stayed here all this time?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?” Jared asked.

“Because you’re my h—“ Jensen managed to stop himself. He swallowed the word and forced it to go away. “Because you’re my best friend. I’m not going to leave you alone in the hospital.”

“But that’s the thing. Shouldn’t there be other people here?” Jared asked. “I mean, Sandy should be here. She wouldn’t just leave me. She’s too good for that.”  
It was back to Sandy, the one topic that Jensen didn’t want to go near. “I don’t know,” Jensen said.

“Have you called her?” Jared looked so expectant. It was the puppy dog eyes that Jensen could never say no to.

“I haven’t,” Jensen said honestly. Tracking down Sandy would be the very last resort.

“Can you?” Jared asked. His voice was so soft and so kind, like he had no idea what this was doing to Jensen.

Jensen sighed. “I don’t have her number,” he said. That much was true. He’d never had Sandy’s number. Besides, it had been over five years. She probably had a different number by now, but Jensen didn’t know for sure. He hadn’t seen her at all during those five years.

“It’s in my phone,” Jared said. He sounded so confident about it and Jensen just didn’t have the heart to tell him that Jared didn’t have the number anymore. When he and Sandy broke up, he made sure to delete the number just like she asked.

“Your phone is broken,” Jensen said. “It broke in the accident.”

“Does she even know I’m here?” Jared asked, a hint of panic in his voice.

“Don’t worry,” Jensen said. “She trusts me and I know that you trust me too. It’s going to be OK.”

“But where is she?” Jared asked.

“I don’t know,” Jensen said. At least that was an honest answer.

Jared sighed and slumped back into his bed, seemingly admitting defeat. Jensen felt horrible. He hated lying to Jared and right now he couldn’t help but wonder if he was actually making Jared happy like he wanted. Jared seemed miserable knowing that Sandy wasn’t here with him and that Jensen didn’t know where she was. Jensen was tempted to just admit everything, but he was worried that he was going to scare him. The last thing he wanted to do was to scare Jared. If the right time presented itself, then he would tell Jared everything.

“I just want her to be here,” Jared mumbled. He stared back down at the hospital sheets again, unwilling to meet Jensen’s eyes.

* * *

Jared was released from the hospital the four days later. Both Dr. Weston and Dr. Clark were satisfied with how Jared’s head injury was healing and had explained that there was nothing else that they could do by keeping Jared in the hospital.

Jared still didn’t have all of his memories back and Jensen was starting to give up hope. Every person that Jensen had talked to seemed optimistic, but he was having a hard time believing them. Jared hadn’t stopped asking about Sandy and it was killing him. He was trying to put on a brave face and pretend that everything was fine, even though absolutely nothing was right.

“Where am I going to go?” Jared asked. He looked absolutely helpless.

“You can come back to… to my house,” Jensen said. He had almost said our house, but managed to stop himself.

“You don’t have to do that,” Jared said.

The thing was that Jensen did have to do that. He had to do whatever he could to help Jared. “It’s not a problem,” Jensen said. Besides, it was Jared’s house too.

“No, I can go to my own place. It’s fine.”

Crap. Now Jensen really had a problem. Jared’s place was Jensen’s place. Sooner or later, Jared was going to figure it out and Jensen didn’t know how that was going to go. He was terrified that Jared would react badly and leave him completely. He just didn’t want that.

“Jensen?” Jared asked.

“Yeah?” Jensen asked, shaking his own thoughts from his head.

“Did I say something wrong?”

“No,” Jensen said quickly. How could Jared even think that? “You did nothing wrong.”

“Then what’s eating you?”

Jensen sighed. “I’ll explain it all later,” he said. As much as he wanted to keep Jared happy, even if that meant indulging him on the fantasy that he and Sandy were still dating, he didn’t think he could keep it up anymore. This whole plan was falling apart and he hated it. He was going to have to tell Jared everything. There was no way that he was going to be able to keep it a secret if he brought Jared back home. He quickly tried to think of somewhere else that he could bring Jared, but aside from some random hotel, he had no idea. Wait. Chad still lived pretty close to them. They could go there.

“Um, Jared?” Jensen said. “If you don’t want to come home with me, I could call Chad. You could go there if you want. I mean for right now, it’s probably better if you’re with someone.”

“What? Oh,” Jared said, seeming to ponder the idea. “Yeah, I can go there. I’ll get out of your hair for awhile.”

Jensen tried not to get upset over it. He knew that Jared was doing what he thought was best, but that didn’t mean that Jensen liked it. He wanted Jared to come home with him. At least then, he could maybe pretend that everything was OK.

“OK,” Jensen said, trying to keep his voice even. “I’ll give him a call. You just wait here and see what the doctor has to say.”

“Thanks.”

Jensen stepped out into the hallway and walked out of the hospital. Again, the fresh air seemed to do little to help. He reached into his pocket, but he didn’t feel his phone. He felt Jared’s wedding ring. He pulled it out and turned it over in his hand. He stared at it for a few minutes, remembering when he and Jared had first exchanged rings. He remembered how excited Jared was and how he couldn’t stop looking at the ring. Even last week, Jensen caught him just staring at it. When Jensen had asked him about it, Jared had just smiled and said “I love you.” Jensen smiled slightly, but stowed the ring back in his pocket. He pulled out his phone and dialed Chad’s number.

“Chad?” Jensen asked.

“Yeah. What’s up?”

“I need a favor. I really big favor,” Jensen said. All he could do was hope that Chad would be up to the task. “It’s for Jared.”

“What do you need?”

Jensen explained the car accident and the subsequent amnesia that Jared was currently experiencing. “He wants to stay with you.”

“He can stay here, but why me?” Chad asked. “Why not you? You’re his husband.”

“He doesn’t remember. He thinks that he’s still dating Sandy and he thinks that I’ve done enough already. I guess he doesn’t want to bother me anymore,”

Jensen explained. He knew that he sounded defeated, but that’s probably because he felt defeated. He hated it. He hated this whole situation.

“You haven’t told him?!” Chad exclaimed.

“No, because he’s happy,” Jensen said. “And I expect you to keep it that way. I just need you to give Jared a place to stay for a while.”

“Like I said, that’s no problem,” Chad said, “but you gotta tell him you’re married. That’s not fair to him.”

“He doesn’t even remember me. He thinks he still with Sandy,” Jensen repeated. “Besides, you can save your breath. I already had this conversation with Chris.”

“I hope he told you that you’re being an idiot.”

“Something along those lines,” Jensen said. “But can I bring him over later? He’s going to be released soon.”

“Yeah,” Chad said. “I’ll clean up a bit, but just bring him over.”

“Thanks,” Jensen said, “and you swear that you’re not going to breathe a word of our marriage?”

Chad was silent for a moment.

“Chad? Please?” Jensen begged.

“Fine, I won’t say anything,” Chad finally said. “But if he asks about it, I’m not going to lie to him.”

“Fine,” Jensen said. At least if Jared asked about their marriage that would mean his memories were coming back and then Jensen could take over again. Then Jared could come home. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

Jensen hung up and stored his phone back in his pocket. He took a few more deep breaths before going back into the hospital. When he got to Jared’s room, Dr. Clark already there, speaking with him. Jensen quietly slipped into the room, trying to go unnoticed so Dr. Clark could finish his conversation with Jared.

“I think you are just about ready to go,” Dr. Clark said. “Is your…?”

“Jensen’s right there,” Jared said, pointing to Jensen, “he’s going to give me a ride to my friend’s house.”

Jensen and Dr. Clark made eye contact, but neither said anything.

“OK, if you have any concerns, please don’t hesitate to call and we’ll see you back here next week for a follow up,” Dr. Clark had said. “Oh, and here’s Lisa with your wheelchair.”

“I can walk,” Jared protested.

“Just go in the wheelchair, Jared,” Jensen sighed. He didn’t have the energy to argue with him anymore. “I’ll pull up the car.”

Jared huffed, but got in the chair. Jensen left the room to go pull his car around for Jared.

Within a few minutes, Jared was safely in Jensen’s car and they were on their way to Chad’s house. 

* * *

 Jensen couldn’t help the feeling of heartbreak that washed over him when he pulled up to Chad’s house. He wished that Jared had wanted to come home with him, even if it would have meant explaining everything to him. At least Jared would have been home, where he belonged.

“Chad lives here?” Jared asked, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

“Yeah. He moved in earlier this year, just a few months ago,” Jensen explained “Do you remember?”

“No,” Jared admitted. “But there seems to be a lot of things that I don’t remember.”

More than you even know, Jensen thought. He put the car in park and took a deep breath. “Come on,” Jensen said. “Chad’s waiting for you.”

“Can’t wait to get rid of me, huh?” Jared said, smirking slightly. Jensen knew that Jared had meant it as a joke, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. He didn’t want to get rid of Jared. He wanted to be with him and stay with him until he remembered, but he was trying to go with what Jared wanted, even if that hurt him. He could do this.

“Nah,” Jensen said, aiming for a casual tone. “Just don’t want to keep Chad waiting.” He got out of the car and went around to Jared’s side.

“Yeah,” Jared agreed. “I can get up myself.” There was no malice or annoyance in his voice. Jensen had to think that that was a good sign at least.  
Jensen reluctantly took a step back. Jared was capable of standing up, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to be one step behind him the entire way to the front door, just in case.

Jared rang the doorbell and was greeted by Chad a few seconds later. “Jay-man!” Chad said.

“Hey, Chad. Mind if I come in?” Jared asked.

Chad pulled the door open wider and stood aside. “Make yourself comfortable in the living room. I just want to talk to Jensen for a second.” Chad must have seen the confused look on Jared’s face. “Straight down this hallway on the right,” he instructed.

“Thanks,” Jared said, looking down. He was probably feeling guilty for not remembering all these little details, but neither Chad nor Jensen said anything. They both watched Jared head toward the living room.

When he finally rounded the corner and was out of sight, Chad asked, “Are you sure about this?”

“The way I see it,” Jensen said in a hushed voice, “there really isn’t another option. This was what he wanted.”

“And what about what you want?”

“That’s not important right now. I’m just trying to make sure that he’s comfortable.”

“And you don’t think he wouldn’t be comfortable and your place? It’s his house!” Chad said.

“Will you keep your voice down?” Jensen pleaded and he glanced around Chad to make sure that Jared wasn’t about to come back after hearing their conversation. The absolutely last thing he needed was for Jared to overhear this conversation because that would just lead to awkward questions and even more painful answers. “I know. I want him home, but he wanted to come here. At least for now, I’m trying to let him have what he wants. I know that you don’t agree with it, but can you please just go with it?”

“I will, but I already told you that if he asks about it, I’m not going to lie to him,” Chad warned. “I can’t lie to him. Not like that, and I can’t believe that you are lying to him.”

“I’m not lying to him,” Jensen protested.

“Just because you’re not telling the whole truth, doesn’t mean it’s not a lie. Hell, you’re probably just confusing him even more than he already is.”

“Look, just take care of him. I’ll stop by tomorrow and drop off some clothes and stuff.”  
Chad sighed. “Fine. Are you going to say goodbye to him or are you just going to leave?”

“Don’t talk to me like that. He’s my husband and I know what’s best for him,” Jensen said. At least, he thought he knew what was best for him.

“Do you really?” Chad challenged. “Do you really think that this is what is best for him?”

“We’ve already been through this,” Jensen said. “I don’t want to go through this again, but I will say it anyway. He is happy right now and that is more important than anything. So, please don’t screw this up for me. I’m going to say goodbye to him and then he’s yours for the night, or for however long he wants to stay here. Just please, don’t screw this up for me.”

Chad stared at him for a minute. “Fine. I’ll do what I can.”

“Good,” Jensen said. He stepped walked down the hall to the living room. “Hey, Jay. I’m heading out.”

“OK,” Jared said. “And thanks for everything. It really means a lot to me. You really didn’t have to do all that.”

Jensen forced back tears and swallowed hard. “It was no problem,” he said. “I already told Chad, but I’ll swing by… by your place and bring some clean clothes and stuff tomorrow.”

“Sounds good,” Jared said. “Thanks.”

Jensen didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay here and hold Jared, but Jared seemed OK. That was what mattered. “Call me if you need anything,” Jensen said.

“I will, but I think that we’ll be fine.”

“OK,” Jensen said. He turned around and walked out of the house, ignoring Chad as he walked passed. He managed to get all the way home before the tears started falling again. He sat in his car in his driveway and just let everything out.

Nothing was OK.

* * *

Jensen finally worked up the courage to go into his house. It was a modest size home, but without Jared there, it felt way too big.

He ended up in the living room, staring at the line of pictures on the mantle. The largest picture was taken at their wedding. It wasn’t their official posed shot, just one that the photographer happened to get while they were laughing a joke someone made. Both of them had decided that they liked that picture more than some of their more posed photos. It just felt more natural. Besides that picture, there were several others, including some from various vacations and holidays with family.

Jensen sighed. All these pictures did was serve as a reminder of everything that he had just lost. He might get it back, but he was finding it difficult to hang on to that hope. It just seemed so pointless because there was no way of knowing for certain if Jared was going to be OK. All he wanted was closure. He needed to know how it was going to be.

It was only 4:00 in the afternoon, but Jensen still felt exhausted. He went up to his bedroom and collapsed on the bed. His face ended up in Jared’s pillow and he inhaled deeply. Even after a week, it still smelled faintly like Jared. Unfortunately, it was just another reminder of what Jensen might have just lost.

He reached his arms up and brought the pillow closer to him. With his arms hugging the pillow tight, he fell asleep within a few minutes, too exhausted to stay awake.

* * *

Jensen bolted awake a few hours later, panting heavily. It took a few minutes for him to realize that it was just a dream, even though it had felt so real. Jared’s memories had never come back and he had decided to leave him and go find Sandy instead. It hurt so much, especially knowing that that could be a very real possibility one day.

He took a few breaths and tried to calm himself. Usually, Jared was here to help. Anytime Jensen woke up from a nightmare, Jared was always there to help calm him down and reassure him that everything was fine. But Jared wasn’t here and that was the whole problem. If Jared had been here, that would have meant that he still had all of his memories and he wouldn’t be living in this nightmare.

Jensen stumbled out of bed and to the shower. He turned it on and waited for the water to warm up. By the time he got in, the water was just hot enough to provide some relief to his tense muscles. He knew that having Jared here would help more, but he couldn’t change that.

After his shower, Jensen climbed back into bed, hoping that the nightmares would stay away this time.

* * *

Jensen woke up early the next morning. He knew that he had to go back to work today and was dreading it. His mind was nowhere near where it needed to be to get work done, but knew that he couldn’t afford to take more time off. Especially if Jared couldn’t work yet.

He grabbed a duffle bag out of the closet and hastily picked through some of Jared’s clothes. He tried not to spend too much time thinking about what he was doing or why he was doing it. Deep down, he knew it was because Jared didn’t want to stay with him anymore and that hurt so much, but there was nothing he could do about it.

Jensen made a quick cup of coffee and drove over to Chad’s house. He spent a lot of time sitting in Chad’s driveway, trying to work up the courage to get out of his car and actually ring the doorbell. It shouldn’t be this hard, but somehow it was.

Jensen finally found the motivation and rang the bell. He waited, not so patiently for someone to answer it. Finally, after what felt like almost an hour, Chad pulled the door open, rubbing sleep from his eyes. “Jensen?” Chad asked.

“Yeah, I brought over some clothes and stuff for Jared,” Jensen said, handing over the bag.

“Oh,” Chad said. “Didn’t expect you this early.”

“Yeah, well, I have to get back to work today, so I wanted to stop by early,” Jensen said.

“Are you sure that going back to work is the best idea?” Chad asked.

“No, but I can’t afford to not go,” Jensen explained. “Jared can’t work right now and one of us has to make sure that we still have money to pay all the bills.”

“I’m just worried about you,” Chad said. “You look like hell.”

“I feel like it too, but we need the money,” Jensen said. He would have liked nothing more than to crawl back into bed and stay there until this nightmare finally ended, but he knew that he couldn’t do that. He would just have to carry on as if life was normal, even though it was so far from normal. “How is he?”

“He’s asleep right now, but overall he’s doing OK,” Chad said. “He keeps talking about Sandy. Wants me to go find her or something.”

Jensen swallowed hard and nodded. “So he still doesn’t remember me as his husband.”

“I’m sorry,” Chad said. “He doesn’t stop talking about Sandy.”

“Yeah, it was like that at the hospital too,” Jensen said. That had been the reason that he had had to get out of there and get some fresh air. It hurt too much to know that his husband was stuck on his former girlfriend again.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Chad said.

“It’s fine,” Jensen said. “Look, I have to get to work, but call me if anything changes. I can stop by later tonight.”

“That’d be good,” Chad said. “I’ll keep him occupied.”

“Thanks,” Jensen said. “And thanks again for doing this.”

“It’s not a problem.”

“OK.” Jensen took a deep breath and walked back to his car. He hated that he had to leave Jared behind, but that was how it was. At least he was going to see him again tonight, although Jensen had no idea how that was going to go.

* * *

Work was a challenge. Jensen knew that it would be hard but he had no idea that it was going to be this hard. He couldn’t stop thinking about Jared and what could possibly happen.

He had been hoping that work would provide some kind of distraction, that he could get absorbed in his tasks for the day and get a break. The break never came. He thought about Jared all day and got very little accomplished. Although he knew that the few things that he did accomplish were done incredibly poorly and he wouldn’t be surprised if he, or someone else, would be told to redo them.

About halfway through the day, Jensen got a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was almost like the feeling he had the day of Jared’s accident. His worrying intensified and he was even less productive in the afternoon than he was in the morning, which was something he didn’t think was possible. He kept checking his phone every few minutes to make sure there were no missed calls or text messages from Chad. His phone remained silent. There was no news, but that didn’t stop Jensen from worrying.

Finally, at the end of the day, Jensen hurried out of the office and out to his car. He wanted to get to Chad’s house and prove to himself that everything was OK and that the giant feeling of unease was nothing to worry about.

* * *

Chad watched Jensen leave and head off to work. He closed the door and went to put Jared’s duffle bag outside the guest room. Jared would find it when he woke up. Chad didn’t know how long Jared would sleep, but he hoped that Jared would still be out for a few more hours. It was easier to deal with this whole situation if Jared just slept.

Chad still didn’t agree with Jensen’s decision to keep hiding Jared’s marriage from him, but he went along with it. Chad had to admit that Jared was happy, even if he was frustrated by the fact that Sandy wasn’t there. There was nothing that Chad could do about it. Well, that wasn’t completely true. Chad still had her number, but he really didn’t want to get her involved in all of this. It would just be better for everyone if she didn’t get messed up in this. So Chad had lied to his best friend, telling him that he didn’t have Sandy’s number. He felt bad about it, but not as bad as he felt about not telling Jared about his relationship with Jensen.

He turned on the TV in the living room, setting the volume very low so he wouldn’t disturb Jared. He needed as much sleep as he could get.

However, Jared didn’t sleep much longer. About a half hour later, he stumbled into the living room. “Hey,” he said as he flopped down on the couch.

“How are you feeling?” Chad asked.

“Not too bad,” Jared said, shrugging.

Chad didn’t know where to go from here. His friend was still missing so much of himself and he couldn’t ignore that. He couldn’t just hang out with Jared like they used to because Jared clearly wasn’t the same person anymore. “Do you remember anything else?” Chad asked.

“I wish people would stop asking me that,” Jared said. “It’s like you’re all just waiting for me to remember some big, crushing news or something.”  
Chad felt guilty and hoped that it didn’t show. Jared was on to them and he knew it was only a matter of time before everything came out.

“Is there something you guys aren’t telling me?” Jared asked slowly. Chad’s face must have given him away.

“Look, I’ll be honest with you because you’re my friend,” Chad said. He hoped that Jensen would understand and wouldn’t kill him. “But I don’t think that it’s my place to talk to you about that kind of stuff.”

“Then whose place is it?” Jared asked.

“Jensen’s.”

Jared looked confused as he tried to process the little information that Chad had just given him. “But I just spent a week with Jensen. Why didn’t he tell me anything?”

“I think that he’s waiting for you to remember on his own.”

“So let me get this straight,” Jared said. “There is some big part of my life that I don’t remember and he’s not even going to tell me about it. How is that even right?”

“I guess that’s just what Jensen thinks,” Chad said. He didn’t agree with it, but it was Jensen’s decision. He was just going to go along with it.

Jared was silent for a moment, but then he asked, “Can you tell me?”

“I just got done telling you that it’s not my place.”

“I know, but if it’s as big as you keep implying, I want to know,” Jared said. “I just want to get my life back to normal.”

Chad knew that he shouldn’t tell Jared anything. That was what Jensen wanted, but Jensen never saw this side of Jared.

“Why do I get the feeling that it’s something bad?” Jared asked. “If you are that unwilling to talk about it.”

“It’s not bad, it’s just I made a promise and I just don’t know,” Chad admitted.

“That doesn’t help. What? Is it something about Sandy? Did we break up or something?” Jared asked.

“That’s part of it,” Chad said.

“What?” Jared looked even more confused than he did before as he tried to wrap his mind around what Chad was telling him.

“Look, I get that this has gotta be hard for you, but just listen for a minute,” Chad said. “You and Sandy dated through high school. Then you both went to college, separate colleges. Do you remember that?”

“Yeah. I stayed in Texas and she went…” Jared said, closing his eyes and thinking hard. “She went to California?”

OK, so Jared still remembered some things. That was good. “Yeah. What else do you remember?”

“I know we were doing the long distance relationship. It sucked, but we were trying to make it work,” Jared said.

“Anything else?” Chad asked, hoping there was still something Jared remembered. The blow was probably going to hurt less if he remembered more of it.

“Not really,” Jared admitted. “I remember I still loved her, even if I didn’t get to see her every day.”

“OK,” Chad said. “You and Sandy broke up. That’s why you don’t have her number and Jensen doesn’t have her number.”

“What does Jensen have to do with this?”

Chad took a deep breath. Here was the hard part. He just had to hope that Jensen wouldn’t kill him for telling Jared the truth. “You and Sandy broke up because you started dating Jensen.”

“What?!” Jared exclaimed, looking at Chad with wide eyes. “Me and Jensen? I started dating Jensen?”

“Yes,” Chad said calmly. “You and Jensen started dating shortly after you and Sandy broke up. I don’t even think it was a month later. One, maybe two weeks or so.”

“I…” Jared started to say, but he was unable to find the words. “I was dating Jensen. Is that why they called him at the hospital? Because we were dating?”

“Yeah,” Chad said, bracing for impact. “Because you were dating and you got married two years later. You and Jensen have been married for three years.”

“What the fuck?!” Jared exclaimed. He jumped off the couch and started pacing the around the living room. “Me and Jensen? We’re… what?”

“OK, calm down,” Chad said. “I know that it’s a lot to take in—“

“A lot to take in? You’re telling me that I married Jensen and I should be calm?” He turned to face Chad, his entire face a mix of anger, confusion, and frustration.

Chad took a deep breath. This was not how he expected things to go. “Yes, you and Jensen got married and I get it. It’s a big shock, but you seriously need to calm down.”

“I just… Why wouldn’t he tell me? I still don’t remember it,” Jared said. “How come I can’t remember my own wedding?” Jared wiped his hands across his face and took a deep breath. “When did you say we got married?”

“About three years ago,” Chad said. “It was something like that. You guys got married right out of college.”

“How come I don’t remember that? How come Jensen didn’t tell me that? Is there something wrong with our marriage?” It became very clear that Jared was starting to panic and Chad didn’t know what to do.

“OK, take a deep breath,” Chad instructed. “There is nothing wrong with your marriage. Your marriage is fine.”

“Then why won’t my own husband tell me that we were married?! Is this some kind of joke to him?”

“It’s not a joke to him,” Chad said. “He’s worried about you and he’s trying to do what’s best for you.”

“What’s best for me?” Jared asked. “He lied to me. He kept this secret from me. It wasn’t something small, but no. He kept our whole marriage from me!”

Chad didn’t know what else to say, so he let Jared continue to rant. It was obvious that Jared had to blow off some steam.

Finally, when it seemed like Jared had let it all out, Chad said, “He said that he was going to come by later.”

“Who?”

“Jensen,” Chad said.

“Well that’s just great,” Jared said. “Maybe then he can tell me why he was being a complete asshole and keeping me in the dark.”

Once again, Chad was left not knowing what to say. All he could do was watch as Jared stomped off toward the guest bedroom and slammed the door behind him.

* * *

Jensen pulled up in front of Chad’s house. He was anxious to see Jared. He needed to make sure that he was OK. After going a whole day without hearing from Chad or Jared, Jensen was nervous to what awaited him.

He rang the doorbell and was surprised to find that he wasn’t met by Chad, but rather by Jared. “Hey, Jay,” Jensen said, smiling slightly. Then he noticed Jared’s expression. It was full of anger, hurt, and frustration.

“Don’t call me, Jay,” Jared said. He stood aside so Jensen could come in.

Jensen walked in the house, but didn’t go much farther. “What are you talking about, Jared?”

“You lied to me. For days whole week,” Jared said. “I think I have a right to be angry.”

“What are you…” Jensen was about to ask, but then he realized. “Chad told you.”

“Yeah, he told me,” Jared said. “Like you should have done when I first woke up.”

“I thought that I was doing the right thing,” Jensen argued. Everyone he had talked to had said that he should tell Jared the truth, but he just didn’t think that that was the right option. “You were happy. You were so happy in your illusion that you were with Sandy.”

“And I would have dropped that illusion right away if you would have told me,” Jared said. “How could you not tell me that we were married?”

“I already told you. I thought that I was doing the right thing,” Jensen said.

“Jensen, I woke up in the hospital and was having trouble remembering things. Did you honestly think that the best thing for you to do was to lie to me?” Jared sounded so heartbroken and Jensen didn’t blame him.

“I… Technically I never lied,” Jensen said. He knew the argument was weak, but had to say it anyway. He had to say anything that would prevent Jared from being mad at him.

“This isn’t about technicalities,” Jared said. “So you didn’t actually lie to me, but you still never told me the truth. You should have told me right away.”

“I was scared, OK?” Jensen shouted, his eyes starting to fill with tears. “I was scared that you were going to freak out or something and you seemed so happy talking about Sandy and about your relationship with Sandy and I didn’t want you to freak out. I just wanted you to be happy.”

“How am I supposed to be happy when my own husband lied to me?” Jared asked. “Do you have any idea how that feels? If you were in my shoes, how would you feel if you found out that your husband had been lying to you for three days and didn’t tell you that you were married?”

Jensen felt horrible. He knew that it probably wasn’t his best idea, but all he had wanted to do was to make sure that Jared was happy. “I know I screwed up, Jay,” Jensen said, willing tears not to fall. “But you have to believe me when I say that I was trying to do what was best for you.”

“What was best for me would have been to tell me the truth in the first place.”

“I know that now,” Jensen said quietly. He wished he could just have a do over. Better yet, he wished that his husband would have never been in that stupid accident in the first place. That would have been even better. “I think it’s gonna be best if I just leave.”

“Yeah,” Jared agreed. “That’d probably be best.”

Jensen turned around to leave and said, “Jay, I really am sorry.”

Jared didn’t say anything and Jensen felt even worse. Jared had always forgiven him, no matter what he had done. He supposed that it was only a matter of time before he did something so bad that it didn’t warrant forgiveness.

Jensen left Chad’s house, despite only being there for a few minutes. It had been long enough for him and Jared to fight. Jensen just wished that he would have handled things differently, but there was nothing that he could do now.

* * *

 Jensen went home feeling absolutely miserable. It was worse than yesterday when he had to leave Jared at Chad’s house because that was what Jared wanted.

This was so much worse. Everything just blew right up in his face. He had been trying to do the right thing, but no one seemed to believe him, or care, for that matter. It just sucked.

Just like the previous day, Jensen climbed into bed and clutched Jared’s pillow. Jared’s scent was fading, making Jensen hold on to it even tighter. He just wanted Jared back and it looked as if that was becoming less and less likely with every day that passed.

Jensen didn’t know how long he lay there, but an hour later, his phone rang. He let it go to voicemail, but it just started ringing again. Jensen tried to ignore it, but the sound was becoming too irritating. Finally, he dragged his feet out of bed and grabbed his phone. Chad, the caller ID read. “What do you want?” Jensen asked.

“Whoa, take it easy,” Chad warned.

“Take it easy?” Jensen asked in disbelief. “You told my husband everything and you want me to just take it easy? I thought we had a deal.”

“We did,” Chad said. “But then he started asking about things and I couldn’t lie to him.” The “unlike you” hung in the air.

“You could have tried harder! You could have—“

“Jensen, stop!” Chad shouted. “Get mad at me all you want, but that’s not going to fix anything.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Jensen growled. “Of course I’m going to get mad. I have every right to be mad. First my husband doesn’t remember me and now he hates me.”

“Because you lied to him,” Chad pointed out. “If you would have just told him the truth in the first place, none of this would be happening right now.”

Jensen knew that Chad had a point. In hindsight, he really should have just told Jared the truth, right from the beginning, but it wasn’t that easy. “I should have,” Jensen agreed quietly.

“At least we’re on the same page,” Chad said. “I just wanted to call and let you know that Jared’ll probably be calling you sometime either today or tomorrow.”

“What? Why? I thought he hated me.”

“He’s still pretty pissed at you, but he’s thinking through a lot of things and I think he might be trying to forgive you.”

“Trying to forgive me? Even I know that I shouldn’t be forgiven for something like that. It was stupid and dumb and one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made.”

“We both know that, but you know Jared. He processes things in his own way,” Chad said. “Look, I just wanted to give you a call and give you a heads up so you weren’t blindsided when Jared called. I don’t want you to go spinning more lies or something and making the whole things worse.”

“I won’t,” Jensen said. “I promise and thanks.”

“No problem.”

Jensen hung up the phone and let out a breath of relief. He didn’t deserve it, but it sounded like Jared was at least trying to forgive him. Maybe his Jared was still in there somewhere.

* * *

It took two whole days for Jared to call.

Jensen made sure to never go anywhere without his phone and checked it obsessively every chance he got. Why hadn’t Jared called yet? But then, late in the afternoon, two days after his fight with Jared, his phone rang. Chad the caller ID said.

“What do you want, Chad?” Jensen asked.

“Uh, it’s Jared.”

Jensen’s heart soared. Jared had finally called him. He felt happier than he had in days and all Jared had done was talked to him. “Hey, Jared.”

“I, um,” Jared said, sounding incredibly unsure of himself. “I was wondering if we could talk.”

“Sure,” Jensen said quickly. “I’m all ears.”

Jared was quiet for a moment. “Do you think we could talk in person? It’s probably better that we do this face to face.”

“Um, sure,” Jensen said. “Do you want me to come over to Chad’s?”

“Uh, yeah,” Jared said. “Yeah, that’d be good.”

“I’ll be over in as soon as I can,” Jensen promised.

“Great. Thanks.”

Jensen wasted no time getting in his car and speeding across town. He shaved a few minutes off his drive and was lucky that he didn’t pass any police officers on his way, but he was finally standing in front of Chad’s front door and ringing the door bell.

A few seconds later the door opened and Jensen was face to face with Jared. “Hey,” Jared said. It seemed much too casual and Jensen was nervous. He would have expected to me mad, furious even. Jared had every right to be. “Come in.”

Jensen went inside, closed the door behind him, and followed Jared to the living room. Jared sat down on one couch while Jensen sat across from him on the other. “So what’s up?” Jensen asked after an awkward, tense few moments.

“I, um,” Jared said. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’ve been trying to remember things, but I can’t. I just can’t. I’ve been trying so hard because I want to remember, but I just can’t.” Jared was becoming visibly upset and Jensen knew that he had to do something.

“Hey, it’s OK,” Jensen said.

“No it’s not!” Jared said. “It’s not OK. It’s nowhere near OK. I can’t remember my own fucking marriage and then took everything out on you because you were just trying to do what was best for me.”

“Jared, I—“

“Let me finish.” Jared’s voice was firm and there left no room for arguments. “I still don’t like what you did, I hate it, actually, but I think I get why you did it.”

“You do?”

“You were just trying to make me happy. I thought that I was in love with Sandy,” Jared explained. “I know I was at one point and then when I woke up I was confused. I mean, part of me still thinks that I’m in love with Sandy, but if we’re married, that can’t be right. I just want to be able to remember things and remember what it was like before.”

Jensen didn’t know what to say. He was thrilled that Jared was trying to remember their marriage and showed an actual interest in it. The problem was that, even after an entire week since the accident, Jared still didn’t remember their marriage. “What do you want me to do? Is there anything I can do?”

“You forgive me?” Jared asked, looking at Jensen with wide eyes. He sounded shocked, as if forgiveness was the last thing he expected.

“What would I have to forgive you for? For getting angry with me when you found out I hadn’t been telling you the whole story for a couple days?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Jared, I’m not mad at you for that. I was never mad at you for that. I know that your reaction was entirely my fault and that I should have never lied to you in the first place,” Jensen explained. “I just wanted you to be happy. That’s it. Somewhere in my head I got the idea that if I fed into what you believed when you woke up, you would be happier.”

Jared took a few moments to let Jensen’s words sink in. “I’m not mad at you either. At least not anymore,” Jared said quietly.

Jensen felt a sense of relief wash over him. Jared didn’t hate him! “So what can I do?”

“If we’re married, could I… could I come back with you? It might help jog some of the memories.”

Jensen smiled. “Of course.”

* * *

Jensen could hardly contain his excitement. Jared had agreed to come home and Jensen didn't even have to do anything to convince him. He had wanted to come home and Jensen couldn't have been happier.

Jensen led Jared through the house, watching as Jared took everything in as if he had never seen any of it before. Jensen didn't know what to say, but he was trying to be patient and supportive. Jared was trying and that was more than what Jensen could ask for.

Eventually, Jensen took Jared's duffle and put it back in their room. He could empty it later. When he came back, Jared was staring at all of the pictures lining the mantle. Jensen watched him for awhile. Jared lingered on one particular picture. It wasn't from any special occasion like so many of the pictures were. Instead it was one that one of their friends had taken on a night out in college. They hadn't been engaged at the time and had been spending a night out at a bar and had had way too much drink. Jensen's good friend Chris had taken the picture and they both fell in love with it, so much so that they had printed it, framed it, and kept it displayed prominently on their mantle.

"Hey," Jensen said, "Whatcha thinking?"

"Nothing," Jared said quickly.

"I know it's not nothing," Jensen argued. "Something's on your mind."

Jared sighed. "I should be able to remember this. I should be able to remember something. I mean we look so happy in all these pictures and I can't remember any of it. I just... I just want to remember."

"We can keep trying," Jensen said. He couldn't deny that Jared still not being able to remember anything hurt so much, but if Jared was willing to keep trying,

Jensen was going to keep trying. He was going to do everything he could to make sure his husband was happy. If that meant helping his husband try to remember their marriage, that's what he would do.

"I just should be able to remember something and there's nothing. I think about it and try to remember something and there's just nothing."

"It's OK," Jensen said. It really wasn't but he was going to keep pretending that it was.

"No it's not," Jared said. "It's not OK. None of this is right and I don't want to pretend that it is. Maybe one day we can get back to normal, but right now, it's not normal. I can't even remember our marriage and that's not normal so can we please stop pretending that it is?"  
Jensen was shocked but recovered quickly. "OK," Jensen agreed. "We won't pretend."

"Good," Jared said. "That's good.”

"So, now what?" Jensen asked. It was all in Jared's hands now.

"I, uh, I'm kinda hungry," Jared said.

Same old Jared. Jensen didn't think he could ever remember a time when Jared wasn't hungry. "OK, come on," Jensen said, unable to hide the grin creeping onto his face. "We'll get you some food."

* * *

It was difficult, although no one said that it would be easy. It was frustrating and worrying and terrifying all at the same time, but at least they were both working toward the same goal: getting Jared’s memories back. Jensen was doing everything he could to help Jared, but it didn’t seem to be enough. Jared still wasn’t able to recall any details of their marriage. Jensen was trying to be supportive, but it wasn’t easy. He just wanted things to go back to normal, but it was starting to seem like that wasn’t going to be happen.

“Do you want to try the pictures again?” Jensen asked. Jared had been obsessed with looking through pictures and anything else they could find that documented their time together.

“It can’t hurt,” Jared sighed.

“OK. Give me a minute,” Jensen said. “I’ll grab them.” Jensen went back to their bedroom and stared at the boxes of photographs. He wasn’t aware that they had this many, although he figured that now, it was a good thing. The more pictures he had, the better. It meant there were more things for Jared to look at that could hopefully jog his memory.

Unfortunately, over the last two days, Jared had looked at almost every single picture Jensen could find. He still couldn’t remember anything and it was becoming increasingly frustrating for both of them. Jensen could tell that Jared was trying his hardest just to remember little details, but nothing seemed to work and it sucked. Jensen grabbed one of the boxes on top labeled “Wedding”. It had been the first box that Jensen had brought out, but it did little to jog Jared’s memories.

“Here we go,” Jensen said, sitting down next to Jared.

Jared frowned. “We already looked through these.” He took the box anyway.

“I know, but you already looked through everything else that I could find.”

Jared’s hands stilled. “I looked at everything?” His voice was eerily quiet.

“I, uh,” Jensen stumbled, not expecting this kind of response. “Everything I could find. Unless you had something else hidden away, there’s nothing else. I figured that these were some of the best pictures so we could go through this box again.”

Jared sighed and stared at the floor. He pushed the box of photos away from him.

“Hey,” Jensen said. “What’s wrong?”

“Everything,” Jared said, wiping his hands over his face. “We went through everything and I still don’t remember a damn thing.”

“We’ll just keep trying,” Jensen said. He desperately wanted Jared’s memories back and was willing to keep trying to find them. That would only happen if Jared was willing to keep trying, and right now, Jensen wasn’t really sure if he was willing to keep fighting.

“But it’s not doing any good. I feel like I’m just wasting my time,” Jared said. “And your time. I mean, nothing’s changed and I don’t want to keep wasting our time.”

“You’re not wasting my time,” Jensen promised.

“But aren’t I?” Jared asked. “I mean, think about it, Jensen. What are we going to do if my memories don’t come back? Are we going to sit here and keep looking at pictures day after day, trying to jog some kind of memory?”

“If that’s what it takes and that’s what you want to do,” Jensen said. “Or… or is that not what you want to do?”

Jared was silent for a moment. “I don’t really know what I want. I want my memories back,” he said. “I want them back so bad, but I just feel like all of this is worthless and it’s not helping. I mean, we’ve been at this for two days and I have nothing to show for it. Plus I’ve been trying to remember things ever since I woke up in the hospital and it’s been almost two weeks. There’s been nothing and you heard the doctors. The longer it goes, the less likely it is that I’m going to get them back.”

Jared sounded so sad and heartbroken and Jensen felt his own heart break. He just wanted Jared to be happy, but it looked like that wasn’t going to happen until Jared got his memories back, and who knew how long that was going to take. “I know that it sucks.”

“No, you don’t!” Jared shouted, jumping to his feet and turning away to hid the tears that were forming in his eyes. “You have no idea what I’m going through.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to not be able to remember such a big part of your life? I can’t remember our marriage. This isn’t like I went out drinking one night and then woke up the next morning and can’t remember that. It’s our marriage, Jensen. Our marriage and I can’t remember that.”

There were tears pooling in Jared’s eyes and Jensen wasted no time standing up and pulling Jared into a tight embrace. “Hey, it’s going to be OK,” Jensen promised.

“How do you know that?” Jared asked. “How could you possibly know that?”

“I don’t,” Jensen admitted, “but you agreed to come home and you’ve been trying so hard and that’s more than I could have ever hoped for. When you first woke up and were asking for Sandy, I was so scared and I’ll admit that I probably didn’t handle it in the best possible way and we fought, but guess what. You still wanted to come home and try to work on it and that tells me that you aren’t ready to give up yet.”

“It’s just so hard,” Jared said.

“I know it is and I know that this is even harder for you than it is for me, but you have to believe that one day, everything can and will go back to normal.”

“What if it doesn’t?”

What if it didn’t? Jared asked a perfectly valid question and Jensen had no idea how to answer it. “We’ll figure it out when we come to it, but for now, let’s just take things as they come. You were willing to come home so I know that you want to try, or at least you wanted to try, so let’s keep trying,” Jensen said.

“That’s all we can do right now.”

Jared took in a deep breath. “OK.”

“OK?”

“Yeah,” Jared said. “Let’s keep trying. I just… I just want things to go back to normal.”

“They will,” Jensen promised. “I promise that one day we will get everything back to normal.” He didn’t know how it was going to get back to like it was before, but he knew that he would try and do everything he could. Jared was struggling and it was time for him to step up and be strong. If he wanted to make sure that Jared was happy, he was going to have to make sure that he was strong enough for Jared to lean on.

For now, he would be patient and walk Jared through all of the pictures again, telling all of the stories that he could thinking of and just hope something would jog his memory.

* * *

 It was another week of frustration. Jensen was in the kitchen, cooking dinner when Jared walked in, holding a photo. Ever since their conversation a week ago, Jared had been doing everything he could. He spent hours every day staring at those photographs.

“Hey, Jensen?” Jared asked.

Jensen looked up from the vegetables he was chopping.

“This one,” Jared said, holding up a picture from their wedding. “This was our brothers, right? They got drunk and started leading toasts on everything?”

“Yeah,” Jensen said. They had been over it four times since Jared had come back from Chad’s house. “What’s up?”

“It’s just… it’s just did they lead a toast about finally being free of their little brothers?”

Jensen stared at Jared. Every time Jensen went over the stories accompanying pictures, Jensen tried to give details, but they were somewhat vague, especially if the pictures weren’t of him or Jared. He knew for a fact that he never went into details of what their brothers were toasting on their wedding night. It was just so ridiculous and Jensen didn’t really see a point.

“Yeah, yeah they did,” Jensen said. He tried not to get his hopes up too high.

“And then they were saying that they just had to get rid of their sisters?”

Jensen’s eyes widened. “Jared?”

“They said something like how it would have just been better if it was just them and no siblings. They were drunk and making no sense.”

“Are you remembering the wedding?”

“I’m remembering a lot of things,” Jared said. “I think I remember that night and a couple others. There are still a lot of holes, but I definitely remember some things.”

“Oh my God,” Jensen said, his jaw dropping slightly. “You’re remembering?”

“Yeah, I think I am. I don’t know why, but I am,” Jared said. “I remember our wedding and some vacations and I remember that I love you so much and I remember getting ready for the wedding and thinking that I am the luckiest person in the world because I was going to be able to marry you.”

“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God,” Jensen repeated. He dropped the knife and walked over to Jared. He pulled him tight, not caring that he was probably getting vegetable juice and bits all over Jared’s clothes. None of that mattered because Jared was remembering. “You remember.”

“I do,” Jared said. “At least some things.”

“That’s OK,” Jensen said quickly. “We can work with some things because that’s so much better than no things. Oh my god, you’re remembering.”

“I know,” Jared said. “I can’t believe it either.”

Jensen didn’t think. He leaned forward and kissed Jared. Jared was startled, but relaxed, kissing Jensen back. It felt so good, after three weeks. It finally felt right. It finally felt like things were going to get back to normal.


End file.
